Ever since I got to know about my pregnancy, I am so eager and excited to fully breastfeed my little baby, knowing every goodness of exclusive breastfeeding. (I wrote about it once here.) So, I started to survey on good breast pump and I never buy any feeding bottle for my baby. I was very sure that I could breastfeed thus I thought I never need a feeding bottle for the first few weeks. But, no matter how well you plan, life sometimes throws you a curve ball. The only worry that I have about breastfeeding was whether I would have enough milk for my baby or not. But as soon as my son was born, I learn that, that is not the only thing I should worry about. And our bumpy ride on breastfeeding journey begin.
As soon as I was admitted for labour, my husband inform the midwife that we intend to exclusively breastfeed the baby so that the hospital will not feed him with formula. Before I was transfered back to my ward from labour room, the midwife asked me if I want to have my baby at soonest from the nursery. I said confidently "Yes, of course. I want to breastfeed him." I was waiting for my baby to arrive in my room for a few hours when finally the nurse came. I hold my baby in my arm, excited for a first time experience of mother-and-son bonding. I thought breastfeeding was natural, and natural should means easy. At first, when I see my son struggling to latch on, I thought that was natural as well. But after half an hour of struggling and the baby has started to cry and scream, I know I am in for trouble.
I can't stand the sight of my baby crying hungrily, so I reluctantly I allowed the nurse to feed him with formula milk for just once. Well, that is one of my biggest mistake. Later I learnt that I should keep on trying and the baby would find his way to learn how to latch. Now that he was introduced to artificial nipple, he learnt to accept that as the easier way to get his food. While his mother's is a relatively difficult, and having a not-so-normal one doesn't make things anymore easier. I felt handicapped. I never thought that mine was going to be a problem.
When the nurse brought my baby back to the nursery, I asked my husband to get back home to have a rest and fetch my breast pump which I forgot to bring. Since my baby won't nurse directly from me, I want to stimulate milk using the pump. The one that I have during that time was a Philip Avent manual breast pump given by my sis in law. And I started pumping. It was painful, but I kept on going and kept reminding myself that my baby should get this precious colostrum. The yellow, thick colostrum trickled out after a few minutes of pumping and I am very much grateful. I fed my baby with that precious liquid when I had him back in my room.
Later on, a nurse and a midwife came to my room to teach me how to breastfeed. We talked and then they worked with me on nursing positions and offered encouragement while Ayyash continued to scream. I was devastated. I felt like I am a failure almost instantly. We walked back home later that evening with a gift bag full with instant Similac (soy based milk). The kind of milk that does not required any preparation, just open the cap, replace it with nipple and heat it up with hot water. And another can of Similac powdered formula.
A few days at home, I was depressed. I was struggling to stay awake at night to feed Ayyash every two hours or so. I felt like everyone is pushing me to directly breastfeeding Ayyash and told me to keep on trying while I just felt that it was just too difficult to do. I was very tired and I can't stand his cries and screams everytime I tried to put him to breast. I felt like he is one unlucky baby to have a mom who is incapable of providing him with the best nourishment for his life. I was very dissappointed with myself to the point that I'm crying each time I saw him fed with formula. I am a failure, a total loser.
I tried to express my breast milk only to get about 1 oz for every session while Ayyash requires around 1.5 - 2 oz that time. So I have no choice but to let him have the instant soy based milk that we got from the hospital. The supply was enough to keep us going for only 3 days with alternating breast milk in between. Later on 4th day, we went for Ayyash post-natal check up. Ayyash needs to undergo blood work since he was suspected with congenital hypothyroidism. Alhamdulillah the blood result showed he has no problem with hypothyroidism but, his bilirubin level was as high as 299! So he was immediately warded to undergo phototherapy. I was told to feed him with breast milk every two hours.
The hospital did not provide rooming in for mother. So I have to go back home and return back to the hospital to visit Ayyash and provide him with my EBM. It was during this time that I manage to get better production. I guess the psychological effect of seeing him only in his diapers under the blue light, alone and unattended, played its trick. The only thing that matters to me during that time was to get him out of the ward, so I have to provide him with as much breastmilk as possible to get rid of his jaundice. And so my body co-operate and produce more milk.
As soon as I was admitted for labour, my husband inform the midwife that we intend to exclusively breastfeed the baby so that the hospital will not feed him with formula. Before I was transfered back to my ward from labour room, the midwife asked me if I want to have my baby at soonest from the nursery. I said confidently "Yes, of course. I want to breastfeed him." I was waiting for my baby to arrive in my room for a few hours when finally the nurse came. I hold my baby in my arm, excited for a first time experience of mother-and-son bonding. I thought breastfeeding was natural, and natural should means easy. At first, when I see my son struggling to latch on, I thought that was natural as well. But after half an hour of struggling and the baby has started to cry and scream, I know I am in for trouble.
I can't stand the sight of my baby crying hungrily, so I reluctantly I allowed the nurse to feed him with formula milk for just once. Well, that is one of my biggest mistake. Later I learnt that I should keep on trying and the baby would find his way to learn how to latch. Now that he was introduced to artificial nipple, he learnt to accept that as the easier way to get his food. While his mother's is a relatively difficult, and having a not-so-normal one doesn't make things anymore easier. I felt handicapped. I never thought that mine was going to be a problem.
When the nurse brought my baby back to the nursery, I asked my husband to get back home to have a rest and fetch my breast pump which I forgot to bring. Since my baby won't nurse directly from me, I want to stimulate milk using the pump. The one that I have during that time was a Philip Avent manual breast pump given by my sis in law. And I started pumping. It was painful, but I kept on going and kept reminding myself that my baby should get this precious colostrum. The yellow, thick colostrum trickled out after a few minutes of pumping and I am very much grateful. I fed my baby with that precious liquid when I had him back in my room.
Later on, a nurse and a midwife came to my room to teach me how to breastfeed. We talked and then they worked with me on nursing positions and offered encouragement while Ayyash continued to scream. I was devastated. I felt like I am a failure almost instantly. We walked back home later that evening with a gift bag full with instant Similac (soy based milk). The kind of milk that does not required any preparation, just open the cap, replace it with nipple and heat it up with hot water. And another can of Similac powdered formula.
A few days at home, I was depressed. I was struggling to stay awake at night to feed Ayyash every two hours or so. I felt like everyone is pushing me to directly breastfeeding Ayyash and told me to keep on trying while I just felt that it was just too difficult to do. I was very tired and I can't stand his cries and screams everytime I tried to put him to breast. I felt like he is one unlucky baby to have a mom who is incapable of providing him with the best nourishment for his life. I was very dissappointed with myself to the point that I'm crying each time I saw him fed with formula. I am a failure, a total loser.
I tried to express my breast milk only to get about 1 oz for every session while Ayyash requires around 1.5 - 2 oz that time. So I have no choice but to let him have the instant soy based milk that we got from the hospital. The supply was enough to keep us going for only 3 days with alternating breast milk in between. Later on 4th day, we went for Ayyash post-natal check up. Ayyash needs to undergo blood work since he was suspected with congenital hypothyroidism. Alhamdulillah the blood result showed he has no problem with hypothyroidism but, his bilirubin level was as high as 299! So he was immediately warded to undergo phototherapy. I was told to feed him with breast milk every two hours.
The hospital did not provide rooming in for mother. So I have to go back home and return back to the hospital to visit Ayyash and provide him with my EBM. It was during this time that I manage to get better production. I guess the psychological effect of seeing him only in his diapers under the blue light, alone and unattended, played its trick. The only thing that matters to me during that time was to get him out of the ward, so I have to provide him with as much breastmilk as possible to get rid of his jaundice. And so my body co-operate and produce more milk.
Ayyash in the ward
His first day in ward, my EBM supply was not enough to keep him going, so he was given formula a few times. His bilirubin level just improved from 299 to 279. On second day, things got better and we managed to not let him take any formula as my EBM was sufficient. But his bilirubin level has still not improved much, only from 279-268. We were blamed by the nurses for his poor improvement, as they said we were there most of the time and took him out of the phototherapy too frequent. The paed even came to us to advice us not to do that. I thought we only switch of that blue light when changing his diaper. We even fed him under that blue light! We were very furious when we found out later that during his second day, he was let sleeping for 6 hours without feeding according to his feeding record! And we thought that was the reason for his poor improvement and not us.
Third day we decided to just stay there from morning till night to make sure Ayyash got his feeding right on time. The midwife even advice me to just go home to have a rest and let them take care of Ayyash. But no, I will never let it happen again. I just sat in front of his bed, pumping my breast milk most of the time and feed him. If I was too tired, I went to a sofa at the waiting lounge and took a nap there. I am glad that my husband was with me throughout my stay. On fourth day, we asked permission from the doc to take Ayyash out for his kenduri aqiqah at home. After his blood sample was taken, we rushed him home as our family members was waiting to see him. We were told to bring him back to the hospital that afternoon if his bilirubin level is still above 240.
Later at noon, the doctor called us and told us that he can be discharged. His bilirubin level has improved from 268 to just 229! The benefit of frequent breast milk feeding should be credited for such improvement. That was what makes me to never give up my quest to exclusively breasfeed my baby. I became obses with my pumping schedule and his feeding time. The next day, we went to a government clinic to have another blood test just to be sure that the bilirubin level was dropping and alhamdulillah it has gone to as low as 155 only.
I once thought that I will be giving up breastfeeding and switch to formula, but I know I just can't let my son missing all the benefits of breast milk. I still want to exclusively breast feeding my baby but I have to think of some ways to get arround things as he still refused to be directly feed from breast. What should I do???
To be continued....
Third day we decided to just stay there from morning till night to make sure Ayyash got his feeding right on time. The midwife even advice me to just go home to have a rest and let them take care of Ayyash. But no, I will never let it happen again. I just sat in front of his bed, pumping my breast milk most of the time and feed him. If I was too tired, I went to a sofa at the waiting lounge and took a nap there. I am glad that my husband was with me throughout my stay. On fourth day, we asked permission from the doc to take Ayyash out for his kenduri aqiqah at home. After his blood sample was taken, we rushed him home as our family members was waiting to see him. We were told to bring him back to the hospital that afternoon if his bilirubin level is still above 240.
Later at noon, the doctor called us and told us that he can be discharged. His bilirubin level has improved from 268 to just 229! The benefit of frequent breast milk feeding should be credited for such improvement. That was what makes me to never give up my quest to exclusively breasfeed my baby. I became obses with my pumping schedule and his feeding time. The next day, we went to a government clinic to have another blood test just to be sure that the bilirubin level was dropping and alhamdulillah it has gone to as low as 155 only.
I once thought that I will be giving up breastfeeding and switch to formula, but I know I just can't let my son missing all the benefits of breast milk. I still want to exclusively breast feeding my baby but I have to think of some ways to get arround things as he still refused to be directly feed from breast. What should I do???
To be continued....
3 kopi panas..:
mesti terasa sgt kuciwa mula-mula kan..tapi xpe..ibu ayyash is a strong mum..and ayyash as well...ayyash...support ibu okeh..
Kuciwa sampai nanges lah... Huhu! Ayyash good boy, dah slowly be more cooperative now.. hehe!
I had felt the same way as u do. Frust sangat bila tak berjaya bagi baby direct feed dan minta nurse beri formula milk. I know it's wrong but the baby is screaming and crying. huhuhuhu
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